Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   I've decided I am a velociraptor trapped in a white man's body. I can't fight this feeling anymore, and have decided to get the surgery and have the killing claws implanted on my feet. I am trans-species, and I WILL win ESPN's Courage Award next year!!!

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man. Race generalization must stop.

   Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   Did the shooting happen at westboro baptist church by any chance?

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   The inventor of the condom died today. Attendees of the funeral described it as "safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals."

   Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

   Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless...