Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee

   why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller

   [news anchor] "Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-" *wife changes channel*

   Sometimes, I do the opposite of what my GPS tells me to do just to hear the the slight panic in it's robotic voice.

   I think Lebron misunderstood coach when he was told to share the ball more...

   ....officer plz don't shoot me. I'm white and won't make the news.

   Come to think of it The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes.

   Netflix: The lazy man's answer to a movie date

   A recycling firm in Silicon Valley is searching for a woman who dropped off a rare Apple-1 computer that fetched $200,000 at auction. They need the password so they can delete Bono's tracks from it.

   Leave the horse I rode in on out of this b*tch!

   Sometimes life is cruel and other times you're unconscious.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   If you can't handle me at my worst then that sucks because that's all there is to me.

   I wrote "except zombies" on my welcome mat so I know I'll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

   Catholic school taught me two things: One is that God loves me and I'm going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on Earth and I should save it for someone I love.

   Remember, everyday is a gift from God. Except Mondays, the Devil sneaks that one in

   I think a Gordon Ramsey GPS would be great! "You missed the turn you stupid cow!"

   I can't wait until people start posting pics of the temperature display in their car. I'm waiting on pins and needles to see how hot it is where you are.

   I've outsourced my LIKES, Birthday wishes and comments on your post and pics to a firm in India. So if Sanjay isn't showing you enough love, please let me know right away.

   It's my birthday!! These crazy woman sending me all these flowers it look like a funeral up in here