Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aurora Shooting Trial: James Holmes' ex girlfriend testified at his death sentance hearing? Yep; looks like I will never comit a crime after all.

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   Do you guys want to take this a step further and be pen pals?

   I have to be on antibiotics for the next week for an infection. Meanwhile, my yogurt provides a daily dose of probiotics. Now the antibiotics and probiotics will be waging a 7 day Biotic War for control of my insides.

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   says what's the difference between two Johnsons and a joke? Wimmun can't take a joke!

   Not sure what's the bigger ball story of 2015. "Deflate Gate" or "Deflate Cait"?

   Lebron flashes his pen*s on live TV and all of the sudden all straight guys turn gay and are running to see it

   OK, who decided to call them iPhone Chargers and not Apple Juice?

   One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.

   Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

   Stephanie from Facebook hasn't uploaded another selfie in the past 15 minutes. I hope shes ok!

   Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?