Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.

   Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   "OMG, Have you heard the news?" "Yeah, they totally carried Huey Louis"

   Coffe so black it wants to start looting.

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   Coffee so black it drop out of high school

   National Running Day was a success. Ran to the fridge then back to the couch. Whew! I'm exhausted.

   According to my Timehop, I drank a lot on this day in 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011...

   Coffee so bitter it blocked me on Facebook.

   meets girl for coffee* *sets down blueprints for bank* "What's this?" Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime..

   The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be....

   We now return to PAWN STARS: How much can I get for this genuine 100 dollar bill.... The best I can do is $25..... Thinks for 5 minutes.... Deal

   They praise and call Brice brave for changing into a woman. They hail it as an achievement. This world has really gone to the dogs. I remember a time when bravery was risking your life fighting against the Nazi. Achievement was landing on the moon.

   Education is important but happy hour is importanter.

   Sepp Blatter is being investigated by FBI regarding his illicit relationship with Bruce Jenner.

   Coffee so strong I see noises.

   Today is National Cheese Day! So let us each take a moment and pray for all the hapless imbeciles in the world who foolishly ask "Would you like that with Cheese?"