Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   onder what all those old mom's think now when they remember telling their little boys, eat all your Wheaties and you'll grow up to be a big strong man like Bruce Jenner? The irony is, Bruce Jenner is now an old mom.

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   FUN PRANK: Purchase any item at a CVS,, and then toilet paper the whole store with your receipt...... TWICE

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   Finding Bigfoot has been on the air for 5 years. It should be called Not Finding Bigfoot.

   Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.

   Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.

   The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   I haven't slept for 4 days... because that would be too long.

   Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich