Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   You know what’s easy..? Opening another beer…

   Scientists have discovered that thinking about revenge lights up the same areas of the brain as chocolate. So it's true… revenge is sweet

   BREAKING: Long suspected love affair between Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble confirmed today, admit to having "gay old time"

   One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life.

   I was going to post a couple jokes about the unemployed, but none of them work.

   Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.

   A vegan, a cross-fitter, and an atheist walk into a bar. Who does the bartender shoot first?

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   Post something very nice and flattering about someone. Then, after they thank you, change it to something dirty!!

   Screw the name "Geoff"! If you're named Geoff go to the courthouse right now and change it to Jeff. Take accountability, make this right

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.

   Actually, Jon Bon Jovi, it's Courtney that gave 'Love' a bad name

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   I wonder if women can hear the magnificent sounds of the symphony orchestra when their bra is removed...