Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He didn't notice it was flat cause they paid him off

   This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.

   "Has Tim Tebow been signed yet?" - Robert Kraft

   Money can't buy love, but it can buy stuff. And I love stuff.

   I really admire people who exercise. This cake is dedicated to you.

   You know what I like about people? Their dogs.

   Laughter is the best medicine........unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

   If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.

   "Crazy On You" by Heart sums up pretty much every relationship I've ever had.

   Guys, hear me out on this one.. A zombie outbreak could be prevented altogether if people were buried with their shoe laces tied together. Boom, you’re welcome.

   Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.

   When a girl tells a guy he looks nice today, he thanks her. When a guy tells a girl she looks nice today, she goes home and throws away the outfit she wore yesterday.

   I get along best with people who don't get along with people.

   Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."

   Human rights bill currently prevents cabinet ministers from being executed by anti-aircraft missile.

   If the NFL wants to punish Tom Brady, they shouldn't suspend him for four games. They should suspend his linemen for four games.

   Make sure you talk to your kids about drugs. You might be over paying.

   "Dad, will computers become self-aware and take over the world?" "Of course not son, that's why we have women"

   A co-worker told me 'happy hump day' before I finished my first cup of coffee. But its okay, he's dead now so it won't happen again.

   That's for caring enough to tell everyone on the internet how much you don't care about what people think about you, people that care.