Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At what age do you stop shopping at Costco because you won't use the entire pack before you die?

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   WWII ended 70 years ago today. It's been that long since America REALLY fought for freedom.

   I had "Abstinence-only" sex education when I was in high school. It was called "Marching Band".

   *Playing Go-Fish" with a Vegan* ME: Do you have any Sixes? V: I'm a Vegan.

   "I've never felt so alone...." ~ Me, sitting down to poop and realizing I forgot my phone.

   Drinking Status: My liver just entered the witness protection program.

   Do depressed people know they can watch bums fight over a bag of Doritos on You Tube?

   Its pretty cool how when you ask yoursefl, "What's the worst that can happen?" Life stops what its doing as is like, "Here, let me show you"

   This pepper spray feels like "No" really meant "No".

   I just noticed that I slouch over just right I can make my bell fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   I just noticed that if I slouch over just right I can make my belly fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   Just got done with my Performance Appraisal and its pretty clear that my boss is clueless to the difference between a 'debacle' and a 'fiasco'.

   My 4 year old daughter just kicked me out of her tea party because I'm too moderate on immigration reform.

   My wife told me I need to grow up. I was speechless. Its really hard to talk with 45 gummy bears in your mouth.

   "Dad, knock it off. That's Bruce Jenner" ~ Chelsea Clinton.

   Republicans don't want our country to be a 3rd world communist state like Obama does.

   A record 93 million Americans are out of work, and more people lost insurance than got insurance in last 5 years.

   The stock market was 4500 when Obama took office, today it's going to hit 19,000 #worstsocialistever