Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women should have one of those mood ring stones glued to their forehead.

   Thinks the only difference between my job and the Titanic is the Titanic at least had a band!!

   My cross-eyed girlfriend left me. She was seeing someone else.

   Everyone is still talking about the Mayweather and Pacquiao fight and I'm just here like Dez caught it.

   I don't get women. Also, I don't understand them.

   I went to Walmart in my pajamas and came out married to my cousin.

   What's the best frosting for urinal cakes?

   A good way to kill someone with kindness is to strangle them with a sweater you spent weeks knitting for them.

   automatic doors make me feel like a jedi

   Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

   The protest in Baltimore ended today when the protesters found out they weren't getting paid.

   Pants up don't loot!!!

   What's the difference between the Ruble and the Dollar? A Dollar

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   glad the Princess's name isn't Kimberly Lindsey Hilton

   If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.

   sometimes I wonder why I hate people, then I remember, that's the plan.

   Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear

   ESPN reports that Manny Pacquiao has filed sexual harassment and inappropriate touching charges against Floyd Mayweather for all the hugging and grabbing from Saturday night's fight.