Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents are about to get a divorce. Haha, I'm kidding. I'm black, my parents haven't seen each other in 15 years.

   Ommpa Loompa Doopity Do. Fake tanning lotion ain't working for you.

   If you say "bae" three times while looking in a mirror you get moved to the front of the line at Starbucks.

   i only have 1 question for Bruce Jenner. after he becomes woman, will he change his name to "Jenny Brucer" ?

   Bruce Jenner? Never heard of her...

   [judge at restaurant] "I will try... the lobster" [2 hours later] "I find the lobster guilty of money laundering and embezzlement"

   I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is "down for the count." I don't care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who's winning.

   Sometimes I can't tell if I'm being funny or if I'm just unbelievably depressed

   Listen buddy I don't come down to the Being A Stupid Piece Of Sh*t Factory and tell you how to do your job

   [first date] her: so, tell me about yourself! me: well, I'm not good with dates her: but you're doing fine! me: christmas is on september 3rd

   what if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

   Listen,,, Anything can be cereal, if you have enough milk.

   Bruce Jenner comes out as a transgender Republican and trolls on both sides suddenly don't know how to direct their hate.

   Kid: How come dinosaurs are extinct? Me: Because Noah put two gay dinosaurs on his ark.

   If Spiderman really got bit by an actual spider, how come he don't shoot webs out his butt like a real spider?

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   those E-cigarettes plug into USB so when they run out of their fluid & get empty have they been "formatted"?

   Hot women are in one of two categories: They're bat$hit crazy or they have the herp...

   It's weird to think that these Forever Stamps will outlive me.