Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

   Aaron Hernandez is already proving to be a hot prospect for several prison gangs, and he is expected to be drafted quickly.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   When an ignorant person feels that he won an argument he loses. When he loses an argument, he actually wins knowledge.

   I embarrassed my friend the psychic with a surprise birthday party.

   Watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars in one sitting sure makes the dagobah fast.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard wasn't a reality show, my day is now shot.

   It's all fun and games until they let the police dog loose..

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   I've stalked you recently because I couldn't find someone better.

   Domino's Pizza changed their name to just Domino's because they're now serving even more $hitty food.

   Got hit on by a total fox today! By that, I mean, she did not throw up when I said hi.

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   happy 4/20 ......smoke it if you got it

   4-20... The day when it is obvious which of your friends are still mentally in high school.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   I beleive in shopping locally. Thats why I am the town drunk.