Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

   I was offered a one night stand with a girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. I declined because I have strong morals and will power. Just as strong as Ajax, now available scented with lemon or vanilla

   wow, by several of the last status posts, we can see that Ferguson must have gotten their Internet back!!!

   A guy at a stoplight angrily pointed and yelled at me, so I smiled at him and mouthed "I love this song too!"

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   I bruised my face running drunk into a slider door but I told my coworkers it's my violent boyfriend because I want them to think I'm dating

   I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.

   I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.

   Where are all these beautiful singles in my area that want to meet me. I keep getting a popup with photo's of several ladies, However I have never noticed them at wal-mart, the grocery store, church, or anywhere around here. I Think this may be a scam!!

   Osha should be required to shut the Men's office bathrooms down the Monday and Tuesday after Easter

   I bet Peter is pissed off they keep stealing from him. On a side note, Paul seems to be pretty happy.

   If I've learned anything from my 7-day Detox, it's that I love toxins.

   The last time I went camping I stayed home.

   I met a black clown and a white clown. The white clown made me a balloon animal. The black clown stole my wallet.

   *Taps life on shoulder* What's your fcukin problem with me?

   You know that the Pot used to call the Kettle something much worse right?

   I am like a buffet, you take what you like and ignore what you dont like.

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"

   What do you call a black girl under age 30 named Sarah? Identity thief."

   What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison? You know he did it.