Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

   Fell down the stairs today. Counting it as a workout

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   Serta has an icomfort mattress trying to emulate ipad, ipod imac. What's with adding an I that makes a mattress better. It doesn't, icall that a bunch of bull$hit. . .

   My friend said that he and his wife wanted to swing by this weekend. I said we'd love that. I hope he didn't mean they wanted to swing bi.

   Jeremy Clarkson should start a cooking show. Abusing staff seems to be OK in kitchens on TV.

   Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.

   I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there's my drink.

   I couldn't quite visualize what a nanosecond was until I dropped a piece of bacon and my dog had it gone before it could even leave a grease spot on the floor.

   Thanks for inviting me to your Bible study, let's get balls deep in Jesus.

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"

   It takes balls to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters.

   I'm gonna start a new website called Punchender where people/companies can raise funds to NOT release a terrible product. Example "If we don't meet our goal, we will release super bouncy death ball!"

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   feeling like a tampon; in a good place, but at the wrong time

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....