Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you love something let it go, if you don't love something definitely let it go. basically, just drop everything, who cares

   A recent survey asked some people if there are too many illegal aliens in the US. 23% said yes. 17% said no. the other 60% said, "no habla ingles."

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, who came up with "quit while you're ahead?"

   It's Earth Day. I love the earth. There is something about the Earth that makes me constantly gravitate towards it.

   my kid said I can't wait until the Easter Bunny comes so I can eat it. I said if you eat the Easter Bunny she might come faster.

   I had an impromptu Earth Day celebration. I didn't planet.

   Nike: Just Do It. Crocs: Just Don't.

   Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.

   Her: where have you been my whole life? Me: chillin on my couch

   Alcohol poisoning must suck. I can't imagine what it's like being poisoned by the one you love

   My wife said I couldn't finger paint and also she says that "Paint" is a stupid name for our cat

   I'm "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.

   She is called a Bronze digger: when she has low standards.

   "It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."

   I have Hillary's private e-mail,It goes right to her campaign headquarters. You know, it's hillaryclinton@wallstreet.com

   Whats the difference between Sunnis and Shiites? Sunni's are attracted to goats while Shiite's are attracted to sheep.

   If Mexico wanted to really harm the U.S., they would cut off our supply of drugs.

   I'm ready to go mushroom hunting, because I have no morels

   Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.

   My superpower is turning beer into pee.