Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who always have an answer for everything and will never say "I don't know", scare the hell out of me

   I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

   Next Season on Survivor: Sixteen Congressmen try to hold down jobs in the private sector.

   I could spend the day with you but there's not enough room in my trunk.

   I think winners should aspire to gather more than just a chicken dinner.

   Dad, what's it like to be in a relationship? Well son, remember how I taught you chess? Where the King can only move one space but the Queen can go anywhere she wants?

   It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction

   If you're a woman that plans on visiting Halas Hall later this year, I suggest you use the stairs

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   They say you should never brush your teeth before oral sex. Seems kind of unsanitary doesn't it?

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   Know what goes great with vodka? Me.

   I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage

   When I'm all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I'd never let that scenario become a reality.

   If I had the cure for ebola, gamestop would buy it from me for $4.50..

   Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.

   How many days prior to Easter is the correct time to post a silly status about the Easter Bunny coming??? ... asking for a friend.

   the government can record anything anytime from your cell phone camera. They have a lot of footage of me pooping.

   According to a recent study, 33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands. And according to the same study, 67% of pets say "Why won't this crazy woman shut the hell up?"

   My ex is great with a pole.... I have the bruises to prove it