Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   “Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.

   You aren't a food "Food Blogger", you're a "Fat ass with a laptop"

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".

   My blood type is B Positive. The irony isn't lost on me.

   I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.

   McDonalds delivery is not yet a "thing" b/c there's no way someone could deliver my big mac without eating some of my fries along the way

   I'm just going to flip the omelette now. Annnnnnnndddd, now I'm having scrambled eggs.

   Well, well, well.... If it isn't that thing that gives me water out of the ground.

   I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

   I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime

   The push-up bra: the strangely acceptable female equivalent of a rolled up sock stuffed in men's underwear.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.

   The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms & Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.

   Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

   They say, "Don't Text and Drive" but I've had 3 maybe 4 texts all day so I'm good, right?

   I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.

   i have completed 38 of the 50 shades of grey

   My dog constantly looks at me like I asked him to give me a ride to the airport.