Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We need to talk" - Your Finances

   Adds you to my list "Burn everything they own" LIST

   I think the kids of this generation wouldn't have been so screwed up if they would have just stopped changing the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles looked.

   I’ll apologize for being late to your wedding after you apologize for inviting me.

   I would feel a lot safer if the drive-thru ATMs with Braille were located on the passenger side.

   You haven't really made it until people start using your name as a verb.

   Mandatory voting? Reminds me of saw a video I saw about a leader who forced people to do crazy stuff under his leadership. But it was hard to understand, the narration was in German.

   I bought an at home do it yourself a$$hole bleeching kit today...it said it contained enough solution to completely bleech one a$$hole...i thought I did it wrong,i was a little upset but i'm all white now

   Remember when our kids got sick we had to pick up the phone and tell all our friends? No! You don't because nobody did it. So knock that crap off Facebook.

   I just yelled, "Hey, sit still! You're getting blood all over the car" if you are wondering how I earned my "#1 Dad" mug.

   Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.

   The hardest part about being vegan must be having to Instagram everything you eat.

   “I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

   How is McDonald's delivery not a thing yet? I can order a wife from another country but I can't get someone to bring me a Big Mac?

   If a ram is a member of the sheep family,& a ass is the member of the horse family,why do they refer to a ram in the ass a goose ?

   This has been the worst Monday since last Monday.

   Why is KFC removing the trans-fat from their menu? Because they want that Variety bucket to pad people's ass without clogging their arteries!

   Not today man, the last time someone aksed me a question I lost my wallet

   LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

   The only reason people hate Nickleback is because they HAVE heard them play. Nickleback's idea of rock is like Avril Lavign's idea of punk - or Will Smith's idea of rap.