Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went from fallin' in love to drunk and fallin' apart

   Heard a dad say "Keep rolling your eyes and maybe, one day, you'll find a brain back there." #fatheroftheyear

   in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other.

   If there's ever a crazed maniac chasing you with an ax, just picture him in his underwear and you won't be scared anymore.

   Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.

   "In this jungle are the world's deadliest snakes. Let's go see what they're up to." ~ white folks

   Fun relationship game: She demands. You supply.

   My wife told me I had a great face for radio. That wasn't nice. At least my ex's said nice things about me, they said I was better in bed then most my friends

   Why is it that every time I see a Ford, it's lifted? Well the answer is simple. When a man gets out of his Ford, he doesn't want to get his dress dirty...

   GM and Chrysler...still made by welfare funds

   You can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first

   Having your caller ID blocked is a great way to advertise your personality disorder. -Anonymous

   Who else does this? 1. wets toothbrush 2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush 3. wets toothbrush again 4. starts brushing teeth

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   British airways had a plane turn around because of a smelly poop. I need help turning that into a joke

   Hey cars with Jesus fish stickers, I know it doesn’t explicitly say so in the Bible but I’m pretty sure God wants you to use your blinkers.

   Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. No mutual friends? I'm not adding you!

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.