Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My password is SupermanHulkThor, its the strongest password I can think of.

   I never got why people liked sitting homje without pans on so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I'm left wondering why people have jobs.

   Jacking off is all fun and games until someone walks in

   I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.

   Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store.

   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

   I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.

   cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon

   Easy there buddy... Its an email signature, not the hood of a racecar.

   Life gave me onions.... onionade sucks.

   I'm not a role model, I just play one in front of my kids.

   The only thing worse than a dry handjob, is cake without frosting.

   You don't have the right to say "the struggle is real" when your ass is still living with your parents.

   If you ABSOLUTELY need to own an Apple iWatch, I don't think we can be friends.

   I hope Apple is coming out with an iCondom because of all the iSex people will be having once the iWatch comes out.

   did you get Hillery's email ? nope I didn't either,,,,,

   You would think Republicans would want to avoid the #47, #47Traitors

   if Taylor Swift has sung Nasty Funk by Robbie Glover she'd have still managed to make it depressing

   I got 47Traitors =GOP but a democrat ain't one!

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.