Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   What’s the opposite of terrorism? Atheism.

   Having sex with your ex on a Thursday isn't cheating, it's a throwback.

   I’m about to eat gas station breakfast.....tell my family that I love them.

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to $hit more at work.

   I'm in my 30's, but I still feel like I'm in my 20's until I hang out with people in their 20's and I'm like, "nope, I'm in my 30's"

   Sorry about dinner. I tried to follow the recipe, but I think we are out of "oven".

   Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so aparently my soul mate is still out there.

   Playing Trivia Crack. The question was, "What is the irrational fear of elevators? In hindsight Rice-traphobia is obviously wrong.

   If global warming gets any worse we're all going to freeze to death!

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   It's so cold I look forward to getting a fever!

   To make a long story short quit right in the middle

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   Breaks my heart that pirates spend their whole lives following a map, when the real treasure is the friendships they build along the way.

   FACT: your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club....

   The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I'm going to drink tonight.

   Tonight I'm getting more wasted than a Liberal Arts degree.