Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me crazy? If it wasn't so hard to get back up on this unicorn, I'd so b*tch-slap you

   A junk drawer, but for feelings.

   Hi! Welcome to T witter. We're the men and women behind your Facebook friends' funny s tatuses.

   Stupid cats stealing all our women.

   Tell me more about your pillow forts, is there a bar inside?

   The hardest part about mopping up wine with your cat is wringing that motherfcuker out.

   Pants...Why? What for?

   Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine's Day.

   What rhymes with Cupid?

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   On a day like Valentine's Day, some of the most dispiriting things single people can endure are the possibility of eternal solitude, questioning your own desirability, and worst of all, realizing the snap you just received is from Team Snapchat.

   So... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics? Mind blown!

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   Its so cold out today that I brought our snowman in the house to warm up ..

   So you guys heard about this MySpace thing?

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   Hey guys walking the dog with a plastic bag of its $hit. How does it feel being third in command in your own house?

   Just picked some lettuce out a sandwich and then added a cheese slice. If anyone wants the recipe, let me know.

   shout out to the hotel maids who have to change the sheets on february 15

   Do you think our dogs ever get upset that we never lick them back?