Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys who drink light roast coffee.... Does it bother your wife that she has to be the man in the family?

   Yes creepy guy at work , we all know what you mean when you talk about eating your wife's fish taco...

   Hey Kanye, can you stop kissing Jay Z and Beyonce's a$$es at every award show? Thx.

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...

   My wife looks at me when I'm folding laundry the same way I look at her when she is eating a banana.

   Looking for true love on Tinder is like looking for a Buffalo Bills championship. Good luck.

   Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

   Think someone is pitching "Keeping up with Kanye"? What a Deutche

   "Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."

   Facebook, Twitter and Instagram doesn't ruin relationships. You choose who you reply to and how you reply back to them

   Mine, I was cramping the morning, blew a gasket on the toilet, sure enough, Kanye was in the bowl.

   I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”

   My business card is just a piece of toast.

   I got 99 problems. You're 98 of them.

   To hell with all this snow. I woke up this morning and beat the fugk out of the snow man in my neighbors front yard. . .

   The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.

   I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.

   Don't worry Kanye, Stephen Hawking sings with autotune too.

   Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I'll wait.

   Its okay password, I'm insecure too.