Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The cats didn't hear me getting myself a snack. I'm a ninja.

   what wine goes with Mood Stabilizers

   don't go outside, people talk to you. i'm still shaking.

   Bruce Jenner has barely admitted to transitioning to be a female and has already begun to drive as bad as one.

   Kim Kardashian got her hair cut short today....... I hope it doesn't make her A$$ look to big.....

   I tried j*rking off with my left hand and, it doesn't feel so right

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   Waiter, is the chicken cage-free? Yes, they've never seen a Nicholas Cage movie. Not even Con-Air?! That's a classic! Fine, I'll have the steak.

   It appears Bruce Jenner is also driving like a womam ......

   Just once I'd like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.

   CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)

   Ever been so mad you threw a cat at another cat?

   Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don't have long to live.

   I'm happy Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman but I'd be even happier if his stepdaughters transitioned into oblivion

   My emotional status hinges on how long I have to wait to eat again.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally... just that I'm at the liquor store.

   If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"

   Does Bruce Jenner qualify as a female driver?

   It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's"

   My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!