Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?

   Facebook closed for MLK Day??

   The camel called. He wants his toe back.

   The Packers did a discount double choke on Sunday

   If the Seahawks win the SuperBowl XLIX It'll be amazing how the world will not give a fcuk.

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.

   You can think before you speak if you want to. I prefer to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.

   If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble.

   I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.

   You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!