Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a show called the view shouldn't hurt your eyes

   I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   Hi, I enjoy short drives to the liquor store and crying in the shower until the hot water runs out. Wanna date?

   Al Sharpton...Please go crawl back under the rock you came from.

   Don’t call me. Alcohol you later

   Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?

   #OscarsGoWhite??? More N igs just crying b/c they want something they don't deserve. What BS!

   Don't run from your problems, chase them with alcohol.

   As it turns out, "harder" is a terrible safe word.

   Why does every horrific news story begin with "A Florida man..."

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you

   Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like "the light is red!" and "don't text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Divorce---When being wrong every day for being alive isn't working for you.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   U.S.A.- If you have oil, your people need freedom and peace.

   Scientists say we could reduce dependence on fossil fuels 95% if we could harness the energy of Dallas Cowboys fans complaining about refs.