Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stop blaming the holidays....you were fat in August!

   My smart watch is capable of displaying porn but no one thought to include image stabilization.

   Whenever someone asks if you're ticklish it doesn't matter if you say yes or no you're going to be touched. I tell them I have diarrhea.

   Every time this gets a like an NFL ref gets kicked in the sack

   It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. That’s why I don’t go out there. I stay in here where it’s a man-eat-chocolate-cake world.

   They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.

   Well, it's 2015. Where's my robot girlfriend, nerds??

   You know I got to thinkin about it and I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 26 years...... that is 9,490 sit-ups and not ONE ab to show for it....

   "I'm getting sick of eating airline food all the time." Said the Malaysian shark.

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   Not sure if I am getting older or if kids today are just getting retarded?....

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.

   Love is when two intelligent minds come together and become dumb.

   Love doesn't cost a thing but it can leave you bankrupt.

   You know you've grown up when a nap is no longer a punishment, but a reward.

   It's just a rough patch. ~ my entire life apparently

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.

   You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let's negotiate.

   If you dont understand big words, I can euthanize with you.

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.