Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phil Collins "in the air tonight" is not the most popular song in Malasia

   Too bad you couldn’t leave your ugliness in 2014.

   My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"

   My New Years resolution is to throw my hands up in the air......but this year I vow to wave them all around like I just don't care..

   I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   I still remember 2014 like it was yesterday!

   My Resolution was to watch less por...Damn, already blew that one.

   Unless you got cloned on new year's eve, please don't write: " new year, new me." It's not gonna end well.

   FACT: Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

   Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.

   I've started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.

   Side chicks get the " oh yeah, happy new year." Text message today.

   OK, here's how it's going to be....Love me or leave me...understand? Hold on.....wait.....hey....where's everybody going??

   My resume is just a piece of paper that says "Please don't Google me."

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant in 2015.

   I'm liberal but not Drive a Prius with a Coexist Bumper Sticker liberal.

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn't accurately describe my life I don't know what does

   U were great when you stood for Freedom. now, you steal others Freedoms. Most effed up