Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with kids that don't have a fireplace have an issue in the morning..

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.

   Every time someone uses Xmas instead of Christmas a kitten gets punched in the balls.

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   I start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, i'll be seeing six or seven.

   Christmas is the season when you buy this year's gifts with next year's money.

   Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

   What question do men ask women the most? “ARE YOU MAD AT ME?”

   I just sneezed alcohol onto a candle and started a fire.

   How much Jim Beam goes in this Turkey gravy?

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   LinkedIn, a second version of Facebook but with more annoying, insecure, low intelligent, attention seeker people- children- with irksome personality types that should stay away from computers.

   My "Facebook Moments" thing is just a bunch of pictures of me getting drunk so, whatever...

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   Only 309 days until Halloween!!

   What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   I didn't have any girl to spoil for Christmas this year so my bank balance is looking healthy.

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...