Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   Honestly, we should be thanking North Korea from wasting our time on another awful Seth Rogen movie.

   Prayers need for our neighbors, their son was repossessed by the In vitro fertilization clinic

   Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?

   You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

   After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.

   Due to hacking and terror threats, I'm canceling my Christmas film "Kim Jong merrily on high"!

   Thought I was doing jello shots at a ugly sweater party, turned out to be Bill Cosby's house

   Met a girl tonight at the Fox and the Hound she said she has 3 tattoos. She said if I get her drunk enough she'll show me. She said she has a bird in her hand and two in her........

   The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.

   BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.

   Played with fire and caught the feelings. Stupid feelings.

   I don't want to be the creepy old guy. I mean, I am, but I don't want to be.

   It's always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.

   Christmas Gift idea: Take her to the Planetarium so she can see the world doesn't revolve around her.

   If nobody has unfriended, deleted, blocked or reported you to the Admin, then you are doing Facebook wrong.

   Dear Sony Hackers, So....What can you do about the Kardashians???

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   How do women think without a pen*s?

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.