Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only had sex with him to get something else out of him, but it failed'

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...

   multiculturalization?? more like Islamization.

   It really shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby. Everyone knows that the proof is in the pudding!

   My neighbor is in training to become a porn star. I asked her how her first day went. She said it was a lot to take in.

   "My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at" wrong people. :)

   Never trust a woman who doesn't fart. You don't know what else she might be holding back.

   Went to the dog park today,and I stepped in a pile of Islam.

   Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

   Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.

   It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.

   The year is 2016. The NFL has banned tackling. Players must apologize and say 10 nice things about each other after each penalty.

   If I stalked you any harder you'd be a missing person by now.

   What if I told you I could make you talk like an Irish Sailor? Repeat after me: WHALE OIL BEEF HOOKED

   No matter how bad life seems, just remember,,, You can order live bees on the internet.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   After enough vodka shots, a toddler bed is actually quite comfortable.

   I'd love to come to your holiday party and stare at my phone all night.

   "Well, now I see how you cam up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   One page of funnies a day is ruining my status as a comedian.