Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've disappointed a lot of people in my life, you're not special.

   One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.

   Don't forget to alienate people People love aliens

   If a white girl don't like Fireball Whisky, she's not a real white girl. She's a fraud.

   Shutting the fcuk up is fat free, you should add it to your diet.

   Remember kids, drunk texting your ex at 2am for a booty call is the best way to show everyone that you've moved on.

   Why aren't there more Christmas songs about revenge?

   You haven't lived until you've been physically escorted out of McDonalds at 4:47am by a 15 year old

   My life is like an 80s movie. Bad acting, some drug abuse, but a great soundtrack.

   I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.

   Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.

   Wife: You bought beer again!? Me: It followed me home. It needed love. I adopted it. [whispers to beer] Say hello to mommy.

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.

   If I had wanted to talk I would've worn underwear

   I worked like a man yesterday (So I'm whining like one today)

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words