Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I'm describing my bed again.

   Pro life tip:I've found the best way to avoid my life ending from a police officer is to not break the law.If I do break the law, then I comply with their authority.If I do not agree with their authority I surrender and allow due process with an attorney.

   If a person dooesn't have "bingo wings" how can you sleep with them during night. Bare bones!

   Today's yoga position is called "the underpaid employee"... It involves bending over and kissing ass at the same time.

   Pay attention kids. I'm about to prove nothing good ever comes from getting out of bed.

   Midgets that go missing get their faces put on the backs of condensed milk.

   I'm not a stalker, I'm just a self-appointed and unpaid private investigator.

   It sucks 'cause when I try to make bedroom eyes I make breakfast nook eyes by mistake and my wife just gets hungry.

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and anger in her heart.

   There's 16 decorative pillows on her bed and crazy in her head.

   at the point where i'm confused about which one of the american black guys being killed by police you're talking about.

   I initially thought this codeine cough syrup was disgusting, but after the second stack of pancakes, it's not so bad.

   Now that I've maxed out my 401k for the year, I'll get a tattoo, said no one ever.

   You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

   If only you people got as passionate about other attrocities like rape, famine and corruption in world leaders as you do about one person's death. #First-worldPriorities

   Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don't know what to do

   I have developed awkward into a powerful weapon for shutting down conversation.

   I am going to enter the Walmart parking lot with my shotgun and shoot all the cars with the stupid friggin antlers on em!!

   Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.

   When I get to heaven, the first question I'm asking God is why does my butt have more hair than my head??