Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So many people born at the end of November. If we had a clubhouse we'd be named "The Valentine's Day Mistakes"

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   I can't believe Skelator sold out and is now doing commercials. Oh well, he's still a better pitchman than Michael Bolton.

   I am bored .Think I will go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car with my reverse lights on .

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights

   mondays that pretend to be sundays....

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after

   If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis.

   No thanks speed dating. I'll settle for being awkward one date at a time.

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you'll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   Last week my best friend who was Chinese died. I went to China to attend the funeral and pay my respects. When people close to you die, it's weird how you see their face everywhere you look.

   My life is just one long improvisation.

   I went down on my girl for the first time ever today. Afterwards I had a pint of Fosters. Well, I had to do something to get that horrible taste out of my mouth. So I went down on her again.

   If I had a dollar for every time my world was rocked... Hey can I borrow 5 bucks?

   Memo to self: A Home DNA Testing kit is not a good shower gift.

   If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I'd be doing a ton of spontaneous s3xual favors for random strangers.

   When I was in high school a selfie meant a locked bathroom and a box of kleenex

   Bill Cosby tried to rape my cat about 50 years ago, I just remembered.

   Ugly ass kids should not be trusted to be left alone with their cute newborn brother or sister with potential. Jealous knows no age.