Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met my GF online, in the grocery store. I was checking her out!

   People these days will do and say anything to divert attention from their own pathetic lives.

   UK - We call it Autumn, from the French word "autompne" and later, the Latin "autumnus" USA - WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

   I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...

   Love your neighbor, but don't get caught...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   As an Atheist, When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."

   my anaconda be starving

   why is the wedding cake at a Portuguese wedding made out of S#it? It's to keep the flies off the bride.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

   I missed a period in that last status. I hope I'm not pregnant!!!

   Native American: So you are against imigrants. Splendid, when did you leave?

   Bill Cosby loves pudding. Yeah, pudding his schlong where it don't belong!

   Next Saturday is Small Business Saturday. AKA local liquor store Saturday.

   I suspect that my local Wal-Mart's selling knock-off canned spaghetti... I'd investigate,, but I'm worried it'll open a whole can of worms.

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.