Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't think the dog licking the floor qualifies as mopping, then we can't be friends.

   Why Am I Sober? - A Horror Story

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.

   Wife: Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism? Me: [mocking voice] Maybe you mock everything as a defense mechanism?

   Smoking weed can reduce stress levels by more than two thirds, according to my research.

   I wonder what my dogs named me?

   Taxticles: What the IRS comes for when you are out of arms and legs.

   So...if Wal Mart can sell a TV for $100 the day after Thanksgiving when they're paying 500 employees to work, why can't they sell it for $90 today when there's only 8 employees in the whole store??

   Sneezing while taking a piss is only recommended when you're in a public toilet.

   When you realize winter is still 5 week away!

   My cat sucks at staring contests!

   One day while in a bank, an old lady asked if I could help her check her balance... so I pushed her over

   The girl opposite me on the bus is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and say hello.

   My awesomeness z like an epiphany... It comes and goes, can never see it coming nor can you try to stop it.

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   Giant spider in my room last night and firefighters took half an hour, they obviously don't understand "emergency"!

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you give them back to Mom and Dad.