Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane

   Women may never understand the enjoyment from putting a warm coffee mug between their legs in the morning. ‪#‎warmnuts

   It's funny how a baby who wakes to eat and goes right back to sleep is a good baby yet, this is is definition of a crummy husband!

   My safe word is: I have 3 kids!

   Victoria's Secret: She vomits after every meal.

   If a baby comes out with an Afro, is that considered Natural child birth?

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   Bill Cosby shoved pudding pops up my a$$, then things got weird.

   Why are there no mirrors in the self checkout?.....Slow people, take your time to get that jokke....

   You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.

   When you realize Charles Manson is getting more play than you!

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

   The year is 2026. The iPhone18 is the size of a dump truck. Everything is automatically sepia toned. Air is pumpkin spice flavored.

   It's been three days since bono's luggage fell from his private jet and he "still hasn't found what he's looking for" Eh?

   My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   If you're wondering what to get Charles Manson for his wedding, he's registered at Bed, Bloodbath & Beyond

   My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.

   The heart wants what the liquor store has.