Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......

   I was wondering if Nik Wallenda gets ordered to walk a straight line when he gets pulled over for suspicion of drinking and driving?

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   Beware of popping weasels.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   The cheapest woman is the one that costs you the most.

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   Relationship status: Please? I am rich.

   I saw a homeless drunk playing with his d*ck on the street today. Thought of you.

   when your opponent puts up their fists to fight they expose their hips. grab them and you can slow dance for at least 2 seconds

   [In the gym] hey guys it'd be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

   just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

   I went cow-tipping at Old Country Buffet.

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.

   When someone chooses the stall next to me when plenty others are available I tap my foot 3 times and ask, "You got the stuff?".

   China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.

   170.6 Adam and Eve: The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."