Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account...

   Super creepy Rob Lowe and I are going to kick Rob Lowes ass

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   Shots fired in Canada? How is that possible? Guns are illegal there.

   If you have no love to be thankful for, at least be thankful for all those bullets you dodged.

   I only lower the bar so it's easier to reach my drink.

   You had me at gunpoint.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   hey terrorists, leave the Canadians alone. Pick on someone of your own size.

   Sorry I called your kid a freak when I saw that he was left-handed But dude, they can totally fix that now with science and therapy

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions

   Facebook Myth: Once you post 20 or more selfies, your relationship status automatically changes to, “In a relationship with myself”

   I'm starting to think none of you have résumés.

   I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did.

   How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?

   Pro Tip: If you order two drinks at McDonald's they'll think you're sharing all that food with another person.

   Fellas; You need to know that if her favorite movie is The Notebook, she will never be satisfied and happy.

   If something seems too good to be true... Quick, put it in your mouth.

   There have been more Taken sequels than Americans that have died from Ebola, if you wanted to know about the real epidemic.

   You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.