Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   I'm Mexican, but I'm not "I'll cut your grass for 20 bucks" Mexican.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.

   Three words to ruin a man's ego. "Is it in?"

   If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants,,, expect A LOT of text messages

   Three words to ruin a woman's ego. "I can't tell."

   Don't ever mistake me for someone who hasn't flirted with danger. I've got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

   Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?

   Whenever I see a tweet written in arabic or something I star and retweet it just for fun. Now the FBI wants to talk to me.

   You could have just said you weren't having sex, you didn't have to wear crocs.

   The over spray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

   We're taught from a young age that we need to work hard to achieve success, riches, or fame in life. Then we grow up to see sh****gs like Snooki, the Situation and the Kardashians. You know... People who have never done anything!

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

   Wife: do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: nope it's not the jeans