Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I do what the voices in my pants tell me to do

   Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl's Cash and call it even?

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   A TED talk about how to pass gas in the office and make it look like somebody else did it.

   Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

   And as punishment, the Patriots send Brady home to have sex with a super model.

   She had me at, " all three baby daddies are locked up!"

   I'm old but I'm not stand-out-in-front-of-the-church-and-greet-people-as-they-come-in old.

   Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

   For ten dollars I’ll engrave your status on a brick and throw it at you.

   Well, I guess it's time to go apologize to my neighbors...

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.

   If you like keep scaring strangers away, smile for no good reason.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.