Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"

   You know the part of your bumhole that supposedly tells you if it's just a fart, or it's actually crap?... Yah, My dad needs a new one of those

   I hate it when I accidentally fill up on crayons before my food comes out

   When you're at work,,, tell someone that has OCD that you drove past their house, and it looked like a light was on... *Sit back and watch.

   If Ebola broke out in Vegas, would it stay in Vegas?

   that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

   My girl an I play this game called "hide the alcohol from the alcoholic".. right now she's losing

   I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. I only have 13 more to go!

   it cheating if I put pictures of my food on another website? was just wondering...

   the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   Whenever I lock my car, I always press the remote lock button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I MEAN BUSINESS.

   I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.

   Why can't they give scary names to typhoons? Like Chaos or Obliterator or Shaniqua. Vongfong sounds like something you've just taken out from a Chinese restaurant.

   Don't see the point in calling this phone a iPhone anymore, it' spends that much time on charge it may as well be called a landline!!!

   I dream about naps.

   The 78th Rule of Fight Club: When it’s your turn to bring the snacks, be respectful of your peers’ food allergies.

   saw my ex with her new boyfriend today, he has arms and legs just like I do, she seriously needs to move on. jeeez. he even has eyes.

   R kelly is doing a tour in Pakistan … I guess they’re going to finally have piss in the Middle East

   [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"