Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I'm going to sit quietly in my room today and think about what I did

   my motivation is running naked with a drink around the pool ...

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   I prefer to call it a "Ta-Da" list. Cause it'd be fu*king amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.

   Thank god the Beastie Boys fought for my right to party I'm just sitting on my couch though

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.

   not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

   Good Lord...Pink For Cancer, Red For Cards, Orange for Halloween, and Now Blue for Bullying! October has More damn color in it than a strand of Christmas Lights!

   Upside to working out: Women actually acknowledge my existence. Downside: I have to learn how to react to women acknowledging my existence.

   Look on the bright side, the cowboys will be the first NFL team to get Ebola

   I thought Ariana Grande was a Starbucks drink.....

   Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   Sorry I must have hit the unfollow button by mistake. BLOCKED - there fixed it

   Don't worry about Ebola spreading in Dallas. The Cowboys have shown us that people in Dallas can't catch anything.

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.