Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old today. Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.

   Making breakfast in bed for sleeping booty

   Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you'll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?

   I think Taylor Swift's song "Shake It Off" is a great potty training tool for boys

   Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?

   Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you're so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

   How do you circumcise an ISIS dude? You can't. There ain't no end to them pr!cks.

   I was addicted to porn but I was able to beat it.

   I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.

   Poland's worst ever air disaster happened today when a two seat Cessna crashed in a cemetery on the outskirts of Warsaw . Polish rescue workers have so far recovered 423 bodies , but expect that number to increase as digging continues .

   So Wesleyan University in Connecticut thinks it can cut down on campus rapes by requiring fraternities to admit women. Uh, excuse me but isn't the best way to prevent campus rapes to keep women OUT of fraternity houses?

   My quest to become a porn star fell a little short...3 inches too short to be exact.

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   Before the internet I used to like people.

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   I wonder if clouds look down on us and say stuff like "That one's shaped like an idiot."

   I'm all about three things, fast cars and bad counting.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.