Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   It doesn't count as a "drug deal" if they charge full price.

   I always confuse dessert and desert and I think I might've just buried a hooker in a lemon meringue pie.

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   "NFL gives ISIS only a two game suspension.".... Hmmmm..

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

   * Noah loading ark,,, "cows? check,,, goats? check",,, *llama walks up,,, " I already have llamas."... "Umm, I'm an Alpaca?".... "O.K.,, Wahatever"

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn't find any

   new rule....everyone given a "life sentence" by a judge has to start racing NASCAR.....one of them will die fast

   After a while you just get used to people not understanding.

   I had walked a mile in your shoes before I realized that we don't wear the same size.

   Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"

   Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

   NFL players are getting kind of soft. I've seen harder hits in an elevator

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   I scream. You scream. Others begin to scream frightened by our screaming. Panic ensues. Riots breakout... next time just ask for ice cream.