Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   I think the scientific term for life is, "that's some bullsh*t."

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.

   None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because dogs can only bark.

   I have never seen a funnier headline than "Apple Releases Instructions for Deleting U2 Album It Provided for Free"

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   Girlfriend said "Do you want to go to a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert?" & I said "Do you want to have a different boyfriend that isn't me"

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago