Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I heard the man who invented the cross word puzzle past away....did you hear this? yea they buried him 6 feet down and 3 feet across

   Don’t you just hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...but don’t you just hate it though when you hate it for no reason.

   Reason #428 why other countries hate the US. We act like our civil rights have been violated when a waiter says, “We don’t have Coke, will Pepsi do?”

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   I think they should replace oxygen on the planes masks with laughing gas. I mean you are gonna die anyways at least this way you are happy about it. 

   All the celebrities have released their own fragrance so I decided to release mine too...now the wife is disgusted with me again.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   "I created the entire universe for the sake of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy." - GOD

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts