Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t you hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...don’t you hate it?

   I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   the NY Giants should mentor Ray Rice they wont be beating anyone this season

   My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets any worse, I might have to let her back in..

   My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in..

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)

   Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...

   I don’t like morning people or mornings or people

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...