Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna be lonely. I just wanna be alone.

   I'd take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.

   We all need that special person in our lives that makes it worth while to shave our pubes.

   Can’t believe how dangerous the streets are becoming. Just this afternoon I stole an old ladys handbag and punched someone at a bus stop.

   Not to brag but, my beer would never wanna "Take a break" or "See other people" or ask to "Go through my phone"

   Only if humans respected each other's private space as much as wild animals do.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.