Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   Bad news guys with big d*cks. She'll just find something else to b*tch about...

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   The strike must be over...the past few days have produced many laughs. Welcome back and thank goodness!

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   No LinkedIn, I do not want to congratulate Gilbert on his new job.

   Changed my iCloud password to, "1234". Now we wait...

   Don't take nude pics. Problem solved.

   With the NFL starting this week, as a Redskins fan I have this feeling of impending doom.

   and they seized the biggest land they ever seized illegally. Yet idiotz complain why are the rockets sheling.

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   Below yeah you, Huckleberry Fin do you realize it's a meme?

   Haters are like crickets… they make a lot of noise!!

   One advantage of growing old is you don't have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.

   Soooo, how long are we all just gonna sit here and act like the russians don't have all our passwords?

   Was at the vet's office with Sammy, heard a lady in the waiting room sneezing, she then tells the receptionist that she thinks there was a cat in here. I saw the lights dim a little.

   Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"..................................... #hopefull