Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.

   they found the body of the guy who stole all the celebrity's nude photos. Apparently he has been high fived to death.

   My favorite collage is Morehead State, my favorite fish is the suckerfish and my favorite bird is the swallow. Are you taking notes ladies?

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   When I grow up, I wanna be the guy in the fluffy suit that police dogs attack!!!

   My favote colleges are Ball State and Bring 'em Young.

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger

   Whoever named pterodactyls is pterrible at naming things

   I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave

   Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.

   The pharmacist asked if I had any questions so I asked where he lived and where he keeps his office keys

   If there is anything to learn from celebrities is. Do not take nude photos of yourself. The FBI had better things to do. . .

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.